I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize