Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
