my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
