wake up i wanna do it froggy style
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
