Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
