I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
