You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
