I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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