Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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