there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
