Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
