oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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