I puked a lego.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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