I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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