My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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