Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
