You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
