Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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