I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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