hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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