There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
In other news, I just burned my penis
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
