Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
