This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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