Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Just invented taco cereal.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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