So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
