I'm gonna have a badass scar
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
