is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
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