I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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