u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
