I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
