What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I can text with my tongue
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
