I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Randomize
