My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
