last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
