fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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