I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
