Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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