What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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