home. puking in laundry basket.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
