The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
