Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Text me some of your sweat
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
