apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I deserve this hangover.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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