I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Two words: blizzard sex
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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