I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
love makes seman taste better
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Randomize
