Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
