I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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