there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
