I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
