When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You have to summon your inner elephant
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
If its not for food we ain't going out.
The adults are the big ones right?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
