the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
