The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
