So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
