Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
