walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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