last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
