I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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