My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
